I was having a downer kind of day yesterday… Just blah.
I watched my pride and joy walk away to her first day of kindergarten. It was a happy, bittersweet, tear free moment for me. I was prepared for this moment. I am confident that we’ve raised a child who is intelligent, funny, and considerate of others.
I was not prepared for sitting around the house for a half hour with my ex-wife, and then spending another 45 minutes doing the first day drop off with her. There’s something about being around her that subtracts from my feeling of contentment. Like I just get sucked back in to thoughts and feelings I’ve been trying to leave behind.
There are other things that added to the “downer” feeling. I’ve had a nagging discomfort from overdoing it at the gym last week which has taken a few gym days away from me. I’m not where I want to be in my physical fitness, which is usually what I see when I look in the mirror. I have a desire to meet new people but at the same time I’m kind of fearing it.
I think I’m just afraid of getting hurt again, and afraid of all the uncertainty of how a single dad picks things up and starts over. What would a new family look like this time around? Do I even want that? What do I want?
On the bright side, there are things I do have control of in my life. I am aware of these things and I can start changing them right now. I can clean up my diet and get it back in line with my physical goals. I can add a new hobby to my life, if it’s not too expensive. I could try to meet other people and just really take my time… I’m not in any kind of hurry.
More thoughts to come!