Are you happy?

I was having a downer kind of day yesterday…  Just blah.

I watched my pride and joy walk away to her first day of kindergarten.  It was a happy, bittersweet, tear free moment for me.  I was prepared for this moment.  I am confident that we’ve raised a child who is intelligent, funny, and considerate of others.

I was not prepared for sitting around the house for a half hour with my ex-wife, and then spending another 45 minutes doing the first day drop off with her.  There’s something about being around her that subtracts from my feeling of contentment.  Like I just get sucked back in to thoughts and feelings I’ve been trying to leave behind.

There are other things that added to the “downer” feeling.  I’ve had a nagging discomfort from overdoing it at the gym last week which has taken a few gym days away from me.  I’m not where I want to be in my physical fitness, which is usually what I see when I look in the mirror.  I have a desire to meet new people but at the same time I’m kind of fearing it.

I think I’m just afraid of getting hurt again, and afraid of all the uncertainty of how a single dad picks things up and starts over.  What would a new family look like this time around?  Do I even want that?  What do I want?

On the bright side, there are things I do have control of in my life.  I am aware of these things and I can start changing them right now.  I can clean up my diet and get it back in line with my physical goals.  I can add a new hobby to my life, if it’s not too expensive.  I could try to meet other people and just really take my time… I’m not in any kind of hurry.

More thoughts to come!

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